You Will All Be Assimilated and Hallelu!

You Will All Be Assimilated and Hallelu!
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Evil Hair and Other Silly Thoughts

Haven't updated here in a while. New posts on wordpress blog, suburbanbettycleanandserene.wordpress.com


Evil Hair??

Oh Deer Me

Commitments and Clouds

Dreams and The PCT

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Dreams and the PCT

Ants and Visions of Cosmos

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Ants and Visions of Cosmos

Treats and Circular Thinking

@wordpress blog Suburban Betty Clean and Serene

Treats and Circular Thinking

Relatively Productive Day and Kombucha Update

Posted at Wordpress
Relatively Productive Day and Kombucha Update

Road Ragin' and also Beautiful Things

Posted to wordpress blog:
Suburban Betty Clean & Serene

Moving Site

I'm moving my blog to wordpress, easier to wrangle all my blogs that way.

suburbanbettycleanandserene@wordpress.com

Don't stop believin'!

Don't Dream It...

So as I was whining (but not WINE-ING, so infinitely better) to myself in the shower (come to think of it wine in the shower might be a bit of a stretch anyway) about my significant lack of motivation, this popped into my head. I'm not shitting you, this is seriously the earworm that I am entertaining right now. Those of you that are familiar with the Rocky Horror Picture Show will know exactly what I mean. 

I'm not saying that I, like Frankenfurter, long to return to my home in Transsexual Transylvania. Nay, just that I need to start living again.

So now I am starting to think once again about DISTRACTIONS. Booze is the ultimate distraction. So is smoking. You can while away an afternoon on your patio (well, maybe you have another area) with a pack of Death Stix and a laptop, making lists of tasks that aren't spontaneously happening (whoops, ant on me) because you are DISTRACTED.  By "you" I of course mean moi.

Frankly I'm feeling quite shitty at this moment. Going to sit with it. 

Still there. 

Fuck.

Ok better.

Wow, that sucked. 

Back to the post!

One more day of my long weekend then back to work tomorrow. I'll be assisting Steve, the Portland hipster electrician, to install telecommunications conduit in a minimum security prison dorm  (yes, that is my job). If you've seen Orange is the New Black, it's a very similar environment (except real prisons are not as loosey-goosey as Litchfield is portrayed, nor are the security staff ignorant and mean) We will be installing many many cameras in these units and we have received mixed reactions from the residents- from "That's awesome, I'm going to feel a lot safer." to "That's not gonna stop us.." to "Is this for the Discovery Channel??"

Prison is a place where distractions are welcomed and sometimes necessary. For some inmates, work is a distraction. for others it's sleeping, watching tv (yes, they have tv's, they are purchased at the Commissary at an exorbitant rate and they are see-through plastic), playing cards, drawing, praying, bitching, studying, dreaming. 

Jeez-US. That was grim too. I'm going to stop while I'm behind and quit flapping my metaphorical mouth-parts at you all. I'm going to get some shit done.

Have a great week!!

Morning Ikea and Other Dependencies

Whipped this little Ikea project together while having coffee this morning. Yes, I do realize that this is NOT the Billy bookcases waiting downstairs in boxes, but it's something. It's damn cute.

So I guess it's time to think about my other vices, start knocking them down as I move forward.

SMOKING.

Omg, that's a big one. I quit smoking in Feb 2008 after about 22 years. Quit cold turkey after several attempts. Continued to drink until OCT 2008, then quit that. Worked out. Ate lettuce and similar.
Was perfect saint-like person (well...)

So the drinking started again in 2012, the smoking followed a year later. I assumed the two were symbiotic and when one stopped the other would follow. Now I'm starting to wonder if I drank so I could smoke?? At first, I was only smoking when drinking, so it wasn't very often. Then when my drinking became nearly daily the ciggy intake also dramatically increased. When I decided that I was going to die (please see post of same name) I couldn't figure out which I should concentrate on first- Chicken?? Egg?? Omelet??

What has actually happened is that I have replaced wine & cigs on the patio, with [insert NA beverage] & cigs on the patio. Crap.

SOOOOOOOO now I have to quit smoking. Again. Shit.

QUITTING PROS (this sounds stupid even I as type, but stay with me)

• Won't die
• More energy
• Sleep better
• Less stinky
• Save money

QUITTING CONS

• But I waaaaaant it!!! (that's all I've got here)

Okay, next vice: 

SLEEP AIDS

I've had problems with insomnia my entire life. I've used a variety of OTC aids in my life-- valerian, Unisom (blue pills), and melatonin-- alone and in combinations. While drinking heavily I seriously dosed up on these in order to avoid the 3am wakeup, sometimes swallowing a few valerian during 3am wakeup, all of which made mornings quite difficult. I am now at a point where I've been so used to knocking myself out for fear of not being about to get to sleep/stay asleep, that I'm still going overboard with meds.

So these are some things I'm working on (I'm smoking now, it's very hard to type). 

Have returned to my original inspiration, Allen Carr's Easyway, and now that I'm not drunk-reading anymore I think my chances of success are much increased. Barring that I suppose I could pay someone to knock the cig out of my hand, but that does't seem practical. 

All in all, not bad, considering I could be a gambler, kleptomaniac or possibly sex-addict. So there's that, always a bright side. 

Happy 4th! 

Other People and What They Think of You

Back in 2008, the first time I decided to go-sober (or mostly sober, I was a quarterly drinker, really) my blog would have been called Sober & Smug. In fact, I did write a blog and it wasn't called that, but it was "I Quit Drinking But I'm Not In A 12-Step Program" which was my attempt to explain that I really just DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE.

I wrote it on my OpenSalon Blog (remember that??). I was frustrated with trying to get people to understand that I did not really care whether they still consumed alcohol, but I wasn't into it anymore. Back then, I had quite a few friends with whom I enjoyed adult beverages socially, and my withdrawl from that scene begat several reactions:

• Really?? Why?? Are you in AA??
• I'm not quitting! I don't have a problem.
• Can I still drink in front of you?

Answers:

• No
• Fine
• Yes

Fortunately for me, my husband (we weren't married yet) had also had enough hangover/heartburn and happily (mostly) joined me then, and is joining me now. And that's very big. 

We tried to continue to socialize with the drinkers at the time but it became very uncomfortable for all involved. Those who drank perceived our not-drinking as a judgement on them. In most cases this was true of those who had already become concerned about their alcoholic tendencies but weren't ready to face that. Understandable. They were worried about not HAVING FUN and I was making their fun look seamy and dirty. 

But it was fun! We had a great time going to clubs and ordering Cokes (the first time we did this my husband said "How much does a Coke cost? I've never ordered one before.") We were used to going out on weekends when I didn't have my kids and we were challenged to find night spots that either weren't alcohol-centric or at least served decent NA beverages. We went to see music and ordered decaf coffee and tater tots (tots are big here, don't ask me why- it's a "thing") and noticed that if you weren't running up a huge bar tab your service tended to be rather crappy. 

Back to the support issue. I am reading that not all of you have it at home and it breaks my heart. Some of you have spouses who are supportive but don't really want to change their habits. Some of you are frequently sabotaged by those close to you who are either afraid they, too, have to change, or that YOU will change and maybe your relationship will change. They want you to be "normal", ei not struggling and maybe spotlighting their own issues. 

I hope that you all hang in there anyway and find the strength to put yourselves first (many of you for the first time in a long time.) It's all about you now. SPOTLIGHT ON YOU! You are ready for your closeup!! 

I know this can be done because I've done it before, a lot of you have. I was Clean and Serene, I shall be again, so shall you, so sayith I. We're going to be SUPER AWESOME sober. Think about it- even on our most HORRIBLY WRETCHED hungover days, we still held it all together. We went to work, dropped off/picked up kids, cleaned, cooked, shopped, ran our businesses, performed our DIY and managed to get IT ALL DONE. Think of what a scary force we shall be when we return to these duties without headaches and dehydration. We can probably plan vacations with the money we save on IBUPROFIN ALONE. 

Now, as I type this, I have to admit that I am doing it to avoid cleaning my kitchen. Baby steps. 

Kombucha! It's Happening!

As promised, I have started to brew my own kombucha. Kombucha is reputed to promote:

• Detoxification- particularly of the LIVER. And couldn't we all use a bit of a spring cleaning in that area??
• Joint Care- apparently it contains glucosamine
• Digestion and Gut Health- as a fermented beverage it is probiotic
• Improved Immunity- anti-oxidant

It's also quite tasty if you are a person who enjoys things that are tart. It has a little bite to it as well since it's fermented and slightly fizzy.
The spouse and I have been enjoying these beverages as an alternative to alcohol, but sparingly as they are rather spendy at $3 per bottle. I had a few options to start brewing my own:

• Purchase a ready-to-go SCOBY (symbiotic colony of yeast and bacteria) which is the "starter" for the fermentation process. 
• Make my own SCOBY using ready made raw kombucha drink

Opinions (from the Kombucha world) differ on these options. Some Kombucha enthusiasts report that the SCOBY purchased online was perfectly acceptable and made some PRIMO TEA. Others scoffed, claiming they had received an inferior blob of yeasty bacteria and the brewing did not go well. Many Kombucha-philes suggested making SCOBY from scratch to get the best possible blob.

Eventually, I opted for starting my own and here's how I'm doing it:

7 cups of black tea (in which 1 cup of sugar is dissolved)

1 bottle of raw store bought Kombucha, no flavor

Let tea cool completely. Pour into 2 qt glass jar and cover with cheese cloth (do not seal!!) and keep in warmish area for 7-14 days. About 70-75 degrees Fahrenheit is the temp range.

Apparently, I will NOT be able to use this batch of tea, but will use the resulting SCOBY for my next batch, which will need another 7-10 days to reach it's fabulous Kombuch-tastic potential. So I'll be on the hook for the continued purchases of these fine beverages for several more weeks as my husband has grown very fond of them. He's having one NOW. Likes them A LOT.

So I'll report back on the progress of disgusting blobby thing that starts to form!

Horrible Remakes and From Whence Came The Blog Name

This morning while drinking my coffee and watching TV I happened on a showing of the 1990 movie Total Recall (Sci-fi movie about a guy who's memory was erased and ends up going to Mars to kick butt) as I was perusing the guide. I clicked on it to record for later then my super smart TV advised me that the movie was currently showing on Netflix-- so I watched it, uncut with all the blood and swearing and triple-boob scene. I loved this movie in 1990 (saw it at the theater with Mistake #1) and I love it now. Some of the effects are perhaps a bit cheesy by today's standards but overall the script is great, Arnold Schwarzenegger's one-liners are perfectly delivered and the entire film is well-edited and it flows seamlessly.

Last year I watched the 2012 remake version with Colin Farrell and Kate Beckensale. What a piece of shit. It has NOTHING to do with Mars and is basically a platform to showcase some too-skinny actors, primarily Kate Beckensale in a tight outfit, running about somersaulting while shooting (probably, I really don't remember as I was likely ranting at the time.)
Worse, the screenplay was not adapted not from the original short story "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" by Philip K. Dick, but straight from the 1990 screenplay (adapted from said orignial story.)
After I saw this horrifying trainwreck of a movie I thought, hmmm, maybe this WAS the original story line from Dick story? So I read it, and it's not even close. Sham. This is why I hate movies, they tend to mostly suck and then I'm wishing for that two hours of my life back. I could have been binge watching House Hunters.

So that's my rant about this remake and most remakes of movies from the 80's and 90's. The value of a film isn't degraded by the fact that the characters are wearing shoulder pads and acid wash jeans up to their sternums. Leave them alone, write something new, for crying out loud. I do however approve a short list of acceptable remakes which include but are not limited to:

Sabrina
Clash of the Titans
The Bird Cage (La Cage aux Folles)
Cheaper by the Dozen
The Fly
Freaky Friday
Last Holiday
The Shining

Okay, so clearly I'm not an intellectual. Sue me. You get the idea.

Anyhoo, getting to my second subject.
Watching this movie with characters sporting 90's (late 80's really) hair and high waisted pants took me back in time to my early 20's, living with roommates in the San Francisco Bay Area. One of my roommates had a somewhat strained relationship with her mother who had been a drug addict and alcoholic for most of my roommate's youth, but had of late (with her current husband) become sober and very smug about it. As if all the years of neglect and abuse didn't happen, and "Come on! We're living in the present now, ancient history, la la la la la la live for to-day!" Peace! Love! Native American icons!

And that's what we said about them as a joke, "Clean and Serene! Sober and loving life!"

Back then we also laughed at the other "betties" who got trashed at rock clubs, made asses of themselves and asked, "Where's the after-party??" at 1am. We laughed at one of my roommate's boyfriend's friends who was IN FACT AN ACTUAL ALCOHOLIC and proved this by drinking all of my cooking sherry one evening. We were amused by the guy I went to high school with who, whenever we happened to see him around town, stated that he was 3 months sober. Literally every time, it could be years later but he was always 3 months sober. Get it? These people did not have their SHIT TOGETHER.

I did not indulge in too much of the chaotic, free-love neo-hippie, rave-type behavior in my youth. I was employed, I had an apartment and credit cards, showed up for family gatherings. I had my shit together. I mean, yah, I PARTIED and all, don't get me wrong. But it was really in more of a Weekend Warrior capacity, and I went years barely drinking at all.

And it's not that I didn't have stress back then, life with Mistake #1 was a soap opera, a veritable whirlwind of drama. Changing jobs, car breaking down constantly, moving every 6 months. 90's me somehow got through it all without significant or debilitating addictions.

Some of those people grew out of it, got married, got jobs, went bald, had affairs, the usual. And some of them died young, but all of them had nothing to do with me, or so I supposed at the time.

So now, I am trying to marry the best parts of 90's me with the me of today to see I can give her some of my empathy and she can give me some of her sass and tell me, "WTF is wrong with you? Get your shit together!"

California Adventure

Let's hope Disney doesn't sue me for the title.

Well it's Day 24 for me and I'm feeling pretty good (metaphorically speaking). We went down to Sacramento for a four-day weekend, came back with weird California colds (we think said germs were procured at the skanky AM/PM gas station we stopped at for gas and water in Red Bluff, but I cannot say for sure. Red Bluff is one of those places with a pretty name that makes you think it might be really nice BUT NAY! Not so, not one bluff in view, red or otherwise. Another one is Goldendale, WA-- do not be fooled!!)

We stayed at a fairly fancy hotel (fancy, but not schmancy, if ya know what I mean) walking distance from Old Town Sacramento, known affectionately by the locals as "Old Sac". I am not making that up. As in, "Sure is hot in the Old Sac tonight!" or perhaps, "Care to meet me in the Old Sac later??"
The hotel has two-room suites, full breakfast, evening reception and EXCELLENT A/C- very important as the Old Sac gets rather sweaty (see??) and one needs to air out, as it were.

The best part about my mini-vaca was seeing two of my friends who I have known for 30 years which is a really long time. Fortunately for me and my somewhat fledgling sobriety neither friend is really much of a drinker. In fact, when I told my friend Maria that I was off wine because I was having a problem with it she really didn't get it. "Well....you get stressed, and maybe need to have a glass..." she offered helpfully. "No. A bottle. Every night. Rain or shine."  Maria orders a pina colada and sips it all night claiming she's wasted, which I love about her.

As long as we're confessing (and we are, aren't we??) I must tell that I did have a few light beers at the free evening reception the first night. However I'm okay with it because:

• No one can become intoxicated on light beer (barring shotgunning a sixer in less than 20 minutes)
• It wasn't wine
• I didn't get drunk
• I didn't drink again for the whole weekend

Did however get an enormous meat hangover from the Brazilian steakhouse but bandying about in the Old Sac burned quite a few calories (it's ALWAYS funny.)

So feeling good about the whole living-without-wine thing, but otherwise quite shitty, I assure you (with the cold and all.)

Another thing I got out of the weekend is a renewed zest for crafting! When you see nifty little things in the shops you start to think, "I can make that! I can sew that!". Wandering through Evangeline's Costume Mansion, my friend Jennifer told me she comes here every year to steal ideas for costumes which she then fashions on her own. It reminded me that I have dozens of sewing patterns for historical costumes (which I purchased on sale years ago with the intention of..well, sewing them, really. )

In order to do that, I need to put together my sewing area using-- yes, you guessed it: Ikea Billy bookcases currently in boxes.

I have purpose. I have projects. I am going to be busy again! I'm going to make shit!

For the moment, however, I'm just trying to get through the week shooting Zicam homeopathic gel up my nose (sounds sexy!) and eating echinacea by the handful.

Dumb Things

Got to thinking last night about some of the various household activities that I thought would be more fun if I was drinking. And I don't even mean parties or social occasions or nights out.
Here's a list in order of increasing dumbass-ity:

•Reading
I actually taught myself to read an entire novel while guzzling wine.

•Knitting
I'm pretty sloppy knitter anyway so that one is kind of a wash

•Cooking
Obviously

•Dying my hair
Actually got drunk first then busted out the developer, seemed like a spiffy idea

•Playing guitar
Singing sounded reeeeal good

•Talking on the phone/texting
Any conversation lasting more than 10 minutes required several glasses

•Assembling Ikea furniture
And we have A LOT of it

•Applying grout
Yep. That's right. If you've ever applied grout to wall tile you'll know how BADLY IT SUCKS. Sure, it looks easy on HGTV but it's actually quite tedious and physically demanding. I thought it might go easier with a bit of merlot

•Painting
Oh yah. We threw back tequila shots and painted the living room

Things I managed not to do:

•Operate any sort of powered tool (particularly saws)
•Mow lawn (blades again)
•Install electrical fixtures
•Climb up on a ladder
•Light a fire
•Ride my bike (thought briefly about it)

So yes, I did a bunch of dip - shitty things while drunk/getting drunk but at least I don't have a death wish. YAY ME.

And likely (because some of these doings are a bit bizarre--I mean, drunken DIY?? WHO DOES THAT??) I'll never miss the alcohol when I do them again. Sure,  you may want a delicious adult beverage while you're at a dinner party but it's not like I'll be caulking around the window and go, "Geez, this would go so much better with a nice Chianti" or possibly, "Say! This sweater is going really well, perhaps I'll just shake up a Cosmopolitan and bind off!"

I'm pretty sure I was trying to be "normal" instead of feeling like I was too wasted to do anything but stare at a screen.  Drunk? Nope! Not me, my friend.  Look at how PRODUCTIVE I AM.

We'll anyhoo,  that's my super lame list. Plenty of paint left out in the garage for me to redeem myself.

Summer Breeze

Makes me feel fine!

Summer has come early to the PNW.  I know this because

  • it has not rained for 2 weeks
  • I have a farmer tan from working outside at my job. It resembles beige opera gloves
  • an inordinate number of portly older gentlemen have been spotted mowing their lawns without shirts. Black socks and sandals complete the look

This beautiful weather is helping my mood. And today, for the first time I was not jonesing on a glass of wine during my drive home. Nay!! Once I realized I hadn't thought about it of course I started thinking about it. But I didn't really want it, not like last friday.

I know this process isn't linear, and  tomorrow I might have to fight again, but today is very good.

In the interest of trying to hit some of the goals on my list of a few days ago, I decided to wash ridiculously long hair tonight so as not to sport Edwardian bun tomorrow.  Coworkers will thank me.

Also tonight I tried out some kombucha and found that to be a somewhat unusual yet satisfying beverage with numerous health benefits: among other things, it is antioxidant, probiotic and (drum roll) it detoxifies your liver!! How bout that? It's outrageously expensive so I'm thinking about starting to brew my own. You need to get a yeasty starter thingy which resembles a large floppy mushroom, but I'll try not to be completely horrified.

Also shot gunned a Mexican coke (real sugar, not the HFCS), so not sure if I'm sleeping tonight.

Blowing through the jasmine in my miiiiiiind....

Let'er Buck!!

Wow! Big one!  Big craving tonight! Really bad! Cannot stop using !!!!!!!!!!'s VERY LIBERALLY!!!!!

Thought very seriously on the way home about getting a beer.  Not even a real one, but maybe a Miller 64. I would LITERALLY need to shot gun 6 in a row within15 minutes to get a buzz from 64 calorie beer. Just a tiny little micro-buzz, Maaaan! Just to get me by! Only slightly more alcoholic than the brandied cherry I accidentally ingested at lunch yesterday (it was on top of my chocolate torte. ..I didn't know what it was until the brandy taste invaded my mouth. Ewe.)

I rode it out, like a cowboy on a bull at the Pendleton Roundup. Yeeeehahhhh!
Get along, little doggie!! Rawhide! Let'er Buck*!!!! Other western-type references! !

Feeling human again and not like a giant ball of angst. Breathing...ahhhh, breathing.

Made it through another wine-thirty.

All you bloggy ladies got me through it before my poor spouse had to deal with some undeserved snarling. I pawed through your posts like a Crackhead looking for a rock! Hope no one's offended by that, I mean that in the best most positive way:)

Lovely Anne Ainsobriety suggested I come up with a special beverage that would keep my face occupied while squirming. 
Any ideas? If I'm not shaking it with vodka and a twist I'm afraid I'm quite lost.

Thanks again, Gals. You're the best!

*if you're curious about the Let'er Buck reference here ya go www.pendletonroundup.com

Life Imitates Peppers

Day 11

Cooking is a thing I enjoy and yet it has lately been reduced to a marathon session to get food prepared and on to the stove to simmer while I went back to the patio for my 2nd glass of wine.

Today I started the meal in the same hurried fashion, stressing out when I realized "I still have to simmer the peppers!! I'm not going to wrap this up in 10 minutes! ".

Then I remembered that THERE WILL BE NO WINE ON THE PATIO. And I took a breath and relaxed and simmered the goddam peppers.
And I enjoyed my cooking, snipped parsley from the garden, sautéed my aromatics and gently stuffed my little pepper babies. 

It was a liberating feeling to know that I was allowed to slow down and just be in the culinary moment.
I think it's worth it to stop and simmer our metaphorical peppers.

Here are some things I'm going to try to do:

  • Spend time chatting with people at work even if I don't like them. If you are a coworker and you are reading this I CLEARLY don't mean you- you're awesome!

  • Pet cats more. My cats. Ok, all cats.

  • Discontinue hermit like behavior and reach out to friends for fun sober activities (bingo??)

  • Put more thought into daily wardrobe rather than slithering into 1 of 11 identical back t-shirts without bothering to turn light on

  • Get up earlier and wash and style ridiculously long hair rather than tossing it up into vaguely Edwardian bun.

 

I'm Super Annoying When I'm Not Hungover

Day 7

Woke up early again! Partly because of my saint - like sober behavior and partly because we in the Great Pacific Northwest (P N Dubs) are having a heatwave and my a/c quietly died yesterday.
You may have a few questions:
• Doesn't it just rain in Oregon?
• Didn't you just want to TEAR INTO THE BOX OF WINE????

To #1, the answer is yes, September to June.
To #2, the answer is HELL YES. But I didn't.  Instead, we went out for breakfast at 10pm. That's right, left the house after dark and drove in a PERFECTLY legal fashion to eat pancakes.

Am I thinking about wine right now?
Oh yes. Am I going to have some?
Ummmm, no. I mean, definitely not,  what a filthy suggestion.

Ok, back to why I'm so goddam annoying when not hungover.

  • I have a ton of energy and feel the need to DO THINGS.
  • I need help doing those things.
  • That means others are getting roped into helping me do the things.
  • And I am RIGHT IN THEIR FACES telling them all about the awesome things we are going to do. Yay!

I remember getting a shit-ton of stuff done in the past- sewing complicated Halloween costumes for me and the kids, painting the house,  fixing stuff, throwing elaborate themed birthday parties, meeting friends, throwing big person parties (I was going to say "adult parties" to distinguish from children's parties but thought I might be throwing the wrong "vibe").
And today-me would think, "Gawd!  How did then-me ever get all that shit done? I'm sooooo tired..."

So I got up and mowed my lawn at 9am.

I know! Pretty amazing, right?? That's not a typo, I wrote NINE.
Then I climbed into the attic to get portable a/c parts and cooler for river-bound teens.
Then we (myself and the person forced to "do things with me", in this instance my husband) installed porto-a/c in window to begin cooling the sweathouse.
Then we hauled a pile of kitchen demo debris out of the backyard. That crap has been there since September.  There was compost forming in the old sink. 
Then (see how tedious I'm becoming??) I weeded in the front yard.
Now I'm doing this.

My goal this next week is to annoy the crap out of my coworkers with my sheer perkiness and my irritating can-do attitude.

And It Looks Like I'm Not Alone

Day 6

The sober week has really whooshed by with work, mechanic visits, and high school graduation.
Wine remains, saddened, in box and I, smugly clean & serene.

When I most want that wine:

• Driving home from work (right past the store where I BUY MY WINE)
• Dinner food prep
• After dinner
• After I return from some errand I have to do after work
• After completing a project (wine treat!!)

But now I know I am not suffering my personal prohibition alone: my very good friend and coworker cheerily announced this week that she, too, is abstaining. So we compared our statuses and our habits, right down to the patio, are almost identical! Isn't that bizarre?? Or does it mean that we middle aged ladies are particularly susceptible to this sort of behavior? We are the ones who post the amusing quips and pictures online (e.g. Winebulance, Wine glass in soap holder in bathtub, assorted wine-witted e-cards) and we laugh about it and say, "Hey Marge, this is YOU!" but it's actually us. So we're in this group, this club if you will, where everyone's behavior is the same and therefore acceptable and the norm. 

So let's look at what is considered acceptable: 

A single, regulation-size. 5oz glass of wine is perfectly acceptable during or after dinner-unless you are Mormon, Muslim, Amish, J Dubs and probably several I missed-- but APART FROM THAT, I think we can all agree that is socially acceptable.

Two glasses? Well, why not, after all they are ONLY 5 OUNCES and that is really just enough to finish off your pork chop. You should relax with another, no prob.

Three?? Three, you say? Well, if you opened the bottle and you're sharing it with someone then three makes perfect sense (it will actually only be 2 1/2 if you're sharing-- ask me how I know!!!)

Four glasses... now we're getting into the questionable territory. If you're wine glasses are fairly large, four glasses is an entire bottle. It can go down before you notice! Most of us sip, sip, siiiiip while we're doing other things, get up refill, siiiiip, make dinner, refill, siiiip. It takes me anywhere from 3 to 5 hours to get through a whole bottle. 

So I guess I would say I'm level 4 most nights and I know for fact that I am not alone in this. 

Level 4 is difficult to maintain, not just from the financial perspective but from the logistical.

• I have to acquire the wine & cigs, make sure I have plenty of both for the evening because I can't leave the house for either once I've started (unless I'm walking and YES I HAVE DONE THAT.) Can't. Leave. The. House. WTF?? I have been literally imprisoning myself in a wine cocoon. 
• I have to "manage my intake" so I don't drink too fast, get too drunk, and fall asleep at 8pm. I have make sure my last glass is started by 8pm so I can go to bed at 11
• Usually with a hangover, headache, sour stomach
• Doesn't always work-- last glass sometimes accompanies me for the 10 pm news
• I have to make sure I have dinner before starting on glass # 3 or I will be very drunk, have headache, and be unable to sleep.

So that is pretty much my whole wine-y evening. Now that I'm looking at it written out it looks like A BIG DRAG and super time-suck. So I think I'll just stop doing it. 

It's been a good week. I occasionally find myself completely horrified at the thought of not being able to take my bottle-friend onto the patio and while away the hours. The drinky-lady inside me says, "Hey! I'm an ADULT and I should be able to do whatever the hell I want!" She then tells me how much FUN it is, and that I won't be partaking in ALL THAT FUN anymore. The part of me that used to drink 1 single glass with/after dinner is angry as well. She feels that it's NOT HER FAULT that wino-woman cannot control herself and is RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE. Maybe so. Those two will need to cool their respective jets for the moment. 

I'm Probably Going to Die

On The Wagon- Day 1

I decided to make a list of reasons not to drink wine. I decided this last night when I had a headache and heartburn (from wine). Right now I feel pretty good and although I am not drinking (wine), I'm thinking about it (wine, that is), later on tonight... have a glass of that primo shiraz in the big box on my little bar... no prob...

But no. I'm going to make my list aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand HEREWEGO:

• Hangover: 
• Varying from no sleep little, to headache, to PLEASE KILL ME WITH A ROCK.
• Hangover at work: 
• Since I am not independently wealthy (please see above reference to box wine) I still have to go to work feeling wretched, bloated, bitchy and corpse-like. Co-workers are are overjoyed. 
• Anti-social behavior: 
• Here's the routine:stop at store on way home from work, buy wine/smokes and groceries, get home, pour wine, sit on balcony with tablet and drink (wine!) and chain smoke for about 3-4 hours. Every night. Every. Night. 
• Calories
• 120 in a glass (like, a normal person's glass, not one of mine) and 600 in a bottle and about 70 million in a box. I actually resemble the wine bag inside box.
• Starting to look weird
• Blotchy/greyish
• Wrinkly/decrepit
• Hair falling out- that might be my imagination
• Depression
• Body turning into jello-y sack from not going to gym (see Hangover & Calories)
• Projects not completed:
• Have decorated living room around enormous unopened boxes of Ikea shelving
• 6 cans of paint unopened in garage, sadly waiting for their day to come
• Back yard resembles episode of "Life After People" 
• Becoming Hermit-like
• Reject all suggestions of parties as I don't want to deal with "people in my house". 
• Eating very bad things
• EX: tortilla with microwaved American cheese for ad hoc quesadilla
• EX: half a box of crackers with cream cheese
• EX: just cheese by itself
• EX: delivery pizza (too drunk to cook or drive)
• side of mozzarella sticks (more cheese)
• Expense
• Just calculated approximate expense for one year of wine & cigarettes= $3200
• Things that amount will buy:
• Week long vacation on sunny beach for entire family
• Hot tub
• Designer hand bag
• BRAND NEW set: Samsung Activewash Washer with built in sink and matching 7.4 cubic ft dryer with steam plus laundry room makeover
• New master bath shower with tile

So that's a pretty good start, I'd say. 

But what about death? Didn't I mention my IMPENDING DEMISE???

This is what I think about at the end of the night while I'm gagging down my handful of pills so I can sleep (1 allergy, 1 unisom, 3 valerian or melatonin, 1 antacid, 4 ibuprofen, 1 mucinex):

I'm going to die. 

And I'm probably not actually going to die, but maybe just get to the point where I wish I was dead. NO worries! Not there yet, still kicking and existing to spite my adversaries and all. But it's not like you can live like this forever and not PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR FOLLY. 

I can't snap back from a bender. I'm not "snappy" anymore. 

These things are more likely to happen than death:

• Cancer (pick one! I've got about 6 that are more likely right now)
• Face will blow up with horrifying bulbous nose and neon gin blossoms
• Ikea Billy shelving will NEVER GET PUT TOGETHER and will be sold in boxes with house.
• Gain 20lbs per year until My 600 Lb Life producers knock on door
• Give up on all vanity and let hair go grey, growing out of scalp like silvery beanie

I will reflect on these things tonight....